Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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