Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
