Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
