i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
