I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
