Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
