Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
