My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
