Swine flu is the new snow day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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