We named our party play list daddy issues
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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