i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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