So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
