You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
