you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
