apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
