Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
