apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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