we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
