I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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