does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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