You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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