I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
