i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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