i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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