I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
