I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
