And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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