He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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