girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
