i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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