Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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