Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
