My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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