I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
