Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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