I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
