Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
