Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
