He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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