theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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