News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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