im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
