Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
