It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
