i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
