We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
