I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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