I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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