do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
