When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You were trust falling into bushes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
