Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
