i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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