I just found puke in my bra..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
