My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
