I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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