I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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